Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
