In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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