i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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