he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
