you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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