Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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