I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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