I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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