one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
