I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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