I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize