if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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