My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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