Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
