Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
