My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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