He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
