why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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