my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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