Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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