i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
