It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
