We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
