anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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