I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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