you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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