you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize