You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
