rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
