At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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