I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Did I show you my penis last night?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
