I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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