when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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