Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
