Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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