it wasn't lemon gatorade
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
