How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
