I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
