I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
