The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
