Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
