How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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