32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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