I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
