Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
