If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
