I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
