Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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