I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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