the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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