Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
