Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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