i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
