Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
