I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
