so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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