dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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