My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
