I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
