turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I need water and some morals
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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