i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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