i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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