No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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