I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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