the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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